A Diary Of An Introvert - DAY 8!

28th May, 2017

10:00 PM

Dear Diary,

It has been long, longer than usual, longer than I expected that longer than ever people have repeatedly asked me the same question, “Is that smile for real?” 

In response, I’ve always smiled broader, saying that no one can fake that much of happiness, little did that person know that as introvert I’ve always mastered the talent of faking my expressions in regard with what I feel in my heart. Why? Because sometimes, listening is just far better than reacting, far better than mugging up all your energy in order to ruin a relationship, because words are a slaughter knife to the chicken of love, as far as I believe. 

As an introvert, I tend to smile more, and laugh much more when I’m hurt inside, that’s because I do not prefer saying things, I do not prefer expressing myself because I do not like it that way, I do not feel like showcasing what I feel deep within, because if a person cannot feel the words left unsaid by me, s/he might not understand the depth of the thousand words which I’ll say to him or her. That’s the thing about a bond, there are times when words ain’t required, that phase is what an introvert admires, but as that fades away, the introvert feels trapped because the person who has been so important all this while, suddenly fails to understand him or her, because they believe, they constantly lack that connection of the stars between them.

Pretending has always been easier for me, to pretend that I’m happy, to pretend that life is just fine, to pretend that the turmoil in my head has subsided, where in reality, there’s nothing which is going the right way. Yeah, I might be smiling, my laughter can make you laugh, but have you noticed those eyes? Those eyes, which owns the depth of an ocean, those eyes too have learnt to lie, but when you really take a glance at me, a glance in my moments of vulnerability, you’ll find a tear, right at the corner of my eyes, trying hard not to fall, why? Because I’ve learnt to pretend, that I’m just fine. 

I cry when I’m really very strong, when I know that I’ve nothing to lose anymore, that probably that one moment will be embedded in my life, only to make me realise, that such things will only help me grow stronger, more stronger than I’ve been before. 

It’s not always the sadness which measures the miseries, but the smile we fake. The one no one can differentiate between, the one which has nothing to do with yet try their best to remain are the ones I prefer to keep. Sometimes, all I can do is smile, move on with my day, hold back the tears and pretend that I’m just okay. Such days are rare, but I do follow that smile which fakes quite a lot of times because explaining why is something beyond my capability.

To know more about the soul in me, stay tuned until tomorrow night.

Love,

Aisha!